Monday's Headlines

Convicted felon sues Roman Catholic Church for wrongful imprisonment
Convicted murderer Kenneth Fox filed a lawsuit against Pope Benedict and the Roman Catholic Church for wrongful imprisonment. Fox is suing the Church for "filling him with misinformation and lies" to the tune of 485 million dollars.
"I had been taught from a young age that the truth would set me free," said Fox from his cell at Leavenworth Prison in Kansas. "So instead of lying I told the court the truth. I explained how I stabbed my neighbor 26 times because his dog shit on my lawn, and I assumed that I the case would be dismissed on the grounds that I told the truth."
Fox added that the Church's teachings had ruined his life and that instead of lying the Church should act like "Good Christians".
The Pope responded to the allegations of misinformation in a conference call from his Vatican mansion.
"Thou shalt not kill," said the Pope. "Nuff Said."

General Motors announces new cost-cutting initiative
General Motors announced a slew of new cost cuts in attempt to lower overhead and make GM vehicles more environmentally friendly.
"We are very pleased with our new, streamlined plan for manufacturing," said the head of GM Susan Docherty."Our R&D department has come up in the clutch for us yet again."
The main sticking point of the new cost cuts was to make future General Motors vehicles as efficient as possible.
"I am proud to say that beginning with our 2012 model line all General Motors vehicles will be able to go an infinite distance on one tank of gas," said Docherty. "However the one caveat is that all of our new vehicles will come without an engine. R&D said removing the engine would increase fuel efficiency by at least 30% and would be the only change that would allow us to compete with Toyota."