Stocks and S.O.G.

Wall Street Brokers admit mathematical mistake
This morning troubling news surfaced from Wall Street regarding the Dow Jones Industrial week end total of 10,270 points.
"One of the guys in calculations at Goldman Sachs made a minor error," said Dow Jones head I. Hart Cash. "Instead of 10,270 points it is actually 10.270 points. So I am happy to say that the recession is over, but the depression has just begun. Sorry."
When ask about these new developments in the financial markets President Barack Obama said something very eloquent and uplifting that had nothing to due with Wall Street.

Notorious S.O.G. drops another sample
Notorious S.O.G. (aka Jesus Christ) dropped yet another sample from his highly anticipated album Notorious S.O.G.: Resurrected Again.
"I think that everyone is going to love 'Immortal' because it tells the story of my life," said S.O.G. "It's awesome.

Immortal
It may not be nothing to ya'll
But you know that I live eternally
And I got nothing to keep me down
I am the immortal man, mortal man, mortal man
I'm coming back from the beyond
And telling everyone they should pray for me
And I ain't gonna answer their prayers
I am the immortal man, mortal man, mortal man

Notorious S.O.G. Drops Two New Samples

The multi-platinum hip-hop star Notorious S.O.G. (aka Jesus Christ) dropped the choruses from two more songs off his new album Notorious S.O.G.: Resurrected Again.
"With my songs 'Halo' and 'Mary' I think I'll be able to really connect with my fans and admirers," said S.O.G. "They are gonna love it."

Halo
She moves her body like a halo
And she fucks me while we're watching a porno
Going long when my crucifix is strong
Because she moves her booty like a halo
Just like a halo
She moves her body like a halo
And she fucks me like we're doing a porno
Going deep with my Christian volcano
Because she shakes her booty like a halo
A perfect halo

Mary
So Mary don't worry you are my only
We won't be lonely
Even if I'm nailed up to a wall
You'd be my first oh I love you Mary
Mary please go down, down, down on me
(Down, Down)
Mary please go down, down, down on me
(Down, Down)
Even if I'm nailed up to a wall

Monday's Headlines

Convicted felon sues Roman Catholic Church for wrongful imprisonment
Convicted murderer Kenneth Fox filed a lawsuit against Pope Benedict and the Roman Catholic Church for wrongful imprisonment. Fox is suing the Church for "filling him with misinformation and lies" to the tune of 485 million dollars.
"I had been taught from a young age that the truth would set me free," said Fox from his cell at Leavenworth Prison in Kansas. "So instead of lying I told the court the truth. I explained how I stabbed my neighbor 26 times because his dog shit on my lawn, and I assumed that I the case would be dismissed on the grounds that I told the truth."
Fox added that the Church's teachings had ruined his life and that instead of lying the Church should act like "Good Christians".
The Pope responded to the allegations of misinformation in a conference call from his Vatican mansion.
"Thou shalt not kill," said the Pope. "Nuff Said."

General Motors announces new cost-cutting initiative
General Motors announced a slew of new cost cuts in attempt to lower overhead and make GM vehicles more environmentally friendly.
"We are very pleased with our new, streamlined plan for manufacturing," said the head of GM Susan Docherty."Our R&D department has come up in the clutch for us yet again."
The main sticking point of the new cost cuts was to make future General Motors vehicles as efficient as possible.
"I am proud to say that beginning with our 2012 model line all General Motors vehicles will be able to go an infinite distance on one tank of gas," said Docherty. "However the one caveat is that all of our new vehicles will come without an engine. R&D said removing the engine would increase fuel efficiency by at least 30% and would be the only change that would allow us to compete with Toyota."

Weekend's Headlines

Jon and Kate's Divorce Hearing Thrown Out
After months of bickering a judge threw out Kate Gosselin's divorce papers due to lack of relevance. "Why the hell should I waste my time on a golddigging whore and her pussy husband?" said Judge Jerry Anderson. "And besides, who the hell watches TLC in the first place?"

God Dresses up as Tim Tebow for Halloween
After weeks of speculation God appeared dressed up as University of Florida quarterback Tim Tebow at the annual Heaven meets Halloween party in Trenton, New Jersey. God said he chose Tebow because he "wanted to be the epitome of perfection for a night" and that "Tim Tebow is my idol."

Language Experts and Code Breakers reveal findings after 20 years of research
After two decades of researching the English language a group of language experts from Brown University presented their findings at the Conference of Language in Indianapolis. "After analyzing every form of writing from ancient cuneiform and hieroglyphics to Latin and modern English for the past twenty years we can say with complete confidence that race car spelled backwards is in fact race car.

Notorious S.O.G. drops another sample
Hip-Hop sensation Notorious S.O.G. (aka Jesus Christ) dropped another sample from his album "Notorious S.O.G.: Resurrected Again" entitled "Party at the Pearly Gates" S.O.G. is excited about "Party" saying that "It's my best song yet and the chorus is off the chains."

Put my halo on
Light up the new bong
And my worries just wash away
I'm ridin Shawty right now
We're doing it upside down
Put my halo on
Light up the new bong
We're gonna freebase blow all day
Yeah, it's a party at the pearly gates
Yeah, it's a party at the pearly gates